The Space Between: Understanding Polarities, Paradoxes and other Puzzling Things

Nerd alert – this post is conceptual – yet it’s a concept that I find helps me navigate in a complex world with more ease.

This musing was supposed to be a book.

For nearly a year, I researched, read, sketched models, and filled notebooks with ideas about polarities, paradoxes, and the impact of dualistic thinking on women.

Then something unexpected happened.

The deeper I went into the concepts, the more I realized that concepts rarely change people.

And so I switched gears. From writing the “book” to telling stories via weekly musings from my life that illustrated these concepts. And in today’s blog, #33, I’m going to take a swing at unpacking an underlying theme for most of my musings.

I’ve been a student of polarities and paradox since the early 2000s, when I had a chance in an overflowing conference room in Boston to hear Barry Johnson, PhD explain the concepts. Light bulbs went off. Insights flooded in. And once I understood this concept, not much was the same. Hence, my desire to share what has been instrumental in my life with others.

Some Definitions

(Promise to keep this crisp and not too nerdy)

Binary thinking is a classification system and one that every elementary student is familiar with. The answer is either true or false. A,B,C,or D.  This type of thinking leaves little room for nuance, spectrum, or complexity. It is a simplification that collapses complexity into neat little boxes. I’s & 0’s. Black & white. Yes & no.

Binary Examples:

• On or off

• Present or absent

• Occupied or vacant

• Approved or denied

• Yes or no

Binary decisions feel clean. Clear. Actionable. Objective. And in this time of great complexity, we can yearn for something that is determinate, fixed, and requires no great thought. Yet, this type of thinking can oversimplify reality and lead to polarization, stereotyping, or "black-and-white" conclusions.

Dualistic thinking is a framework that assigns value to the binary. There are two defined states – one is good, the other not so much. The issue isn't that there are two categories; it's that one category becomes elevated while the other is diminished.

Dualistic Examples:

• Rational is better than emotional.

• Winning is good; losing is bad.

• Leaders should be strong, not vulnerable.

• Certainty is preferable to uncertainty.

Dualism has the allure of superiority or righteousness. Dualistic thinking becomes problematic when the different is seen as wrong, an alternative is inferior, or the other is seen as the enemy.

Polarity Thinking sees two poles, not as opposites, but as complementary and necessary.  

Polarities see the interdependence and the space between.  Polarity thinking starts from the assumption that some opposites are not enemies but partners.

Light and dark are great examples. Each is different, yet each defines the other. Light is the absence of darkness, and darkness is the absence of light. We know what darkness is because we have experienced light. As humans, we require both, and the polarity of this asks of us to find the space between.

Polarity Examples:

• Structure and flexibility

• Advocacy and inquiry

• Independence and connection

• Confidence and humility

The question is not which side is superior. The question is how to gain the benefits of both while avoiding the excesses of either. Finding the sweet spot, the rhythm, the place between.

Polarity thinking is often considered a more mature response to complexity. It recognizes that many of life's most important tensions—work and rest, courage and caution, independence and belonging—are not choices to be made once, but relationships to be managed continuously.

Let’s use an example that many women struggle with = rest and activity.

Binary thinking: the factual distinction asks us to classify our time:

• Am I resting or am I active right now?

Dualistic thinking: adds a value judgment to what we are doing:

• Productivity is good; rest is lazy.

Polarity thinking: manages the rhythm between them:

• Both rest and activity are essential.

• Too much activity leads to exhaustion.

• Too much rest leads to stagnation.

• What is the right amount for me? What do I need in this moment?

Going a Level Deeper

Paradox adds another layer to this conversation by challenging the assumption that reality can’t be two things at the same time.  A paradox is a statement or reality that appears self-contradictory but contains a deeper truth. A paradox suggests that the answer may be both/and or even neither by itself. Not every polarity is a paradox. Not every paradox is a polarity. But they often overlap.

For example, Great leaders are both confident and humble. Paradox reveals that exceptional leadership may require both simultaneously.

Some examples:

• Less is more.

• The only constant is change.

• The more we learn, the more we realize how little we know.

Binary thinking separates.

Dualistic thinking judges.

Polarity thinking balances.

Paradox invites us to hold two truths at the same time.

Gender as an Illustration

Note: Gender, sex, and cultural norms around these are complex – and this is an ultra-simplified view to make a point.

Gender provides a useful illustration:

• Binary thinking sees men and women as separate categories.

• Dualistic thinking assigns value to one over the other.

• Polarity thinking recognizes that many traits associated with masculinity and femininity exist on a continuum and are available to all of us.

• Paradox reminds us that strength often emerges through vulnerability, connection creates independence, and surrender can produce influence.

Why This Matters to Me

As a high-achieving woman, I had lived my entire life navigating dualistic norms in the working world that insisted that masculine was good, feminine was bad. I was told, in words and in an ever-present cultural “overstory” that men were strong, women were weak. Men were stoic, women emotional. Men’s work mattered, The work ascribed to women as lesser, in pay, status and regard. I could go on…but I know you get the idea, perhaps too deeply and too personally.

In addition, as my dismay at the bifurcation of our nation into “us-them”, “left-right”, “R-D”, “urban-rural”, “conservative-liberal” grew, I became more convinced that I needed to do my best to help others move from binary and dualistic thinking to a more expansive and inclusive worldview.

Which is why helping people move to a more mature and nuanced way of looking at our world resonates deeply wiht me.

My Journey

Once I began to understand polarities, my thinking expanded. I could flow between two poles of what I had seen as polar opposites. I fretted less about finding “the answer” and spent more energy on understanding the underlying dynamics – and finding the “sweet spot” between the poles that served me best.

There is a freedom in moving past the binary and dualistic and opening ourselves up to the polarities and paradoxes.

Along the way, I came to realize that what I wanted to do was less about writing a book than creating a dialogue. It was less about some esoteric model or concept or diagram, and more about real stories that resonated with others. It was about putting ideas in bite-sized pieces that were easy to access, understand, and reflect upon.

And so, almost a full year later, I am still committed to writing something of substance. I am even more compelled to help people become more facile in thinking and move past either/or into yes/and. It’s just that I’ll do this a different way!

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